Primary School Memories!

It’s funny how fast I have grown up and how fast time has flown by. It feels like yesterday I was blowing out candles, wishing to be best friends with Selena Gomez. Now, I’m wishing for good credit score. Both of which will never come true.

I finally aged up last week, on the 16th of October, like I do every year. And now I’m big fat 19 years old! I literally don’t feel different! I don’t think I’ve felt different since I turned twelve. My face also hasn’t changed since I was twelve. Or my height. BUT, one thing that has changed are my experiences and memories.

I went out on Sunday with a few friends, one of which was my best friend in primary school, who I’ll name Fizz. Since we got to catch up, I went on a little journey down memory lane, which evidently gave me a stomach ache from laughing so hard. I thought it would be fun to share some of the crazy and wacky memories that I have of primary school.

 

Troublemakers on Bikes

Like in It, The Goonies, Super 8, Stranger Things, E.T, basically any 80s film where the kids ride bikes 70% of the time, me and my friends were the Kidz On Bikes in my area. And by ‘area’, I mean our road and the few roads that branched off it. We live in the city, it’s hard to go bike riding for fun when you’re nine.

Kool Kidz

There were five of us (including Fizz), who lived about a minute away from each other (basically on the same road). We would meet up after school and even on day offs and ride our bikes around. I remember brining out as little as £3 and having the time of our lives, negotiating with the corner shop man for lower prices. Business people in the making! I remember the corner shop man emptying Haribo’s onto a plate and selling each Haribo for 1p. We really manipulated him.

We used to play Knock Down Ginger, which is a game where you knock on someone’s door and then run away and hide. I feel like most kids have done this but we were way too brave. There were a few sketchy houses on my road and the roads near us, like this old man who lived in this really run down house. The windows were boarded off, the door was half blocked, the paint was peeling, garden overgrown. It was straight out of a horror film but we tried to knock on his door. We also knocked on the door of this house, which the police always came to. Not really sure why…

We honestly had the time of our lives. We would go out in the dark, in the pouring rain, in super cold temperatures. Now that I think about it, I’m wondering why my parents let me do all that.

 

The Man in the Bushes

In my primary school, there was this field that the big kids (year four and above) were allowed to play on. There were a bunch of bushes at the very back, right in front of the fence. And right behind the fence was a block of flats overlooking the field. One day, at lunch, all the kids were playing on the field and all of a sudden, there was a random man standing in the bushes. We were never allowed to play in the bushes again. There were theories that the man was the dad of a kid that went to the school, who lived in the flats, and he wasn’t allowed to be with his child. I don’t know. Once, he jumped over the fence into the school and we were all made to go and stay inside. After that incident, we all took the piss since we would stand in front of the flats and call out for the man to come back.

 

Cloakroom Ghost

The cloakroom was where we would keep out coats, bags and stuff. It was always dark in there and this one time, we went inside and saw a dark shadow move. Ever since it happened, we would always go into the cloakroom together or be really scared and we would claim to hear creepy sounds. Little did our dumbasses know the dark shadow was our shadow from the light coming in from the classroom. We were very silly.

 

Psychic

Another silly situation was something that happened between me and Fizz. I think it’s a fact that young people experience déjà vu more often than other people so me and Fizz were experiencing it A LOT. Because we were geniuses, we jumped to the conclusion that we were psychic. We wrote it secretly in our diaries. Fizz told me recently that she wrote ‘I am psychic’ backwards in her diary so no one would suspect it. I even remember going downstairs quietly and telling my mum privately about my secret. I genuinely believed that I had some sort of psychic ability.

 

Biggest Scams of my Childhood

In my lifetime, I have met a lot of pathological liars (they’re more common than you think) but I still can’t get over two lies that I was told in my childhood.

  1. Lie 1: In reception, when I was about five, this girl told me and this other girl she was going to the jungle after school. I asked her how she was going there and she told me she gets picked up and goes to stay the night. Even more curious, little me asked her how she could stay there since it was so dangerous and she responded by telling me that there’s a monkey, lion and some other animal that talk and take care of her. Excited, the other girl and I asked if we could come with her. Enthusiastic about the idea, jungle girl told us we could come but we had to ask our mums. I told the teacher I was going to be going with the girl to the jungle after school. I can’t imagine what the teacher must have thought. After school, I asked my mum if I could go to a freaking jungle with flipping Dora the lying explorer and my mum obviously said “no, she’s lying” and I don’t really know at what point in my life I actually accepted that there was no jungle and was no friendly talking animals and that it was all a lie.
  2. Lie 2: There was this boy, who I was fairly close friends with and so trusted, who came in with a little clump of ‘gold’. We asked the boy where he got it and he told us that he got it from the

    what I was expecting

    pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. So I stupidly asked where the end of the rainbow was and he told us by the reception of the school. To get to the reception, you could either take this narrow dark pathway outside or walk to it from the inside but when my dad came to pick me up, we had to take the dark pathway. I told my dad, who already looked fed-up, to take a detour to the reception to get the gold. Tired and done, he told me the boy was lying but I went to look anyway. Spoiler alert: there was no pot of gold. Fizz and I were annoyed so the next day, we asked the boy and he told us it moved to the alleyway near my house. I don’t know what I must have done to this boy but he was really trying to get me and my friend, two young weak girls, kidnapped or god knows what.

 

Top Table

I don’t know if this was just my primary school but we had this ‘top table’ thing where every week a child from each year would get picked to sit at the TOP TABLE for lunch, with the deputy head teacher. They made it seem like such a privilege but I don’t remember a single kid that yelled “YESS! IT’S MY TURN TO SIT AT THE TOP TABLE!” I used to dread the moment I would get picked. Sadly, I did and it was the most awkward thing in my life. You just sit with a bunch of children, you’ve never spoken to before, and with this teacher, and you just eat in front of the rest of the non-top table children, who get to sit with their friends for lunch.

 

Activity Club

this is exactly what the parachute looked like

After school, on Tuedays, we had Activity Club. It lasted until 5/5:30, which meant it was only two hours but it seemed like forever when I was a child. Activity club was just  where you could do whatever you wanted. You could paint, make masks, play sports, run around, etc. They always gave us drinks and sandwiches at the beginning and sometimes, they brought Gogos (these tiny plastic monster figures you could collect) for us. Anyway, for some reason, every week, me and my friends would play with the giant rainbow parachute on the field. Every week. I can confirm that my claustrophobia was initiated at this stupid club, or at least made it worse. We would throw the parachute up in the air and then run inside before it could hit the floor and then keep running around until we were all trapped and lost and wrapped up in the parachute. And then we had to find a way out of the parachute. There was very little air and everything was dark and smelt like sweat. I swear we were stuck for a good ten minutes at one point. I honestly felt like I was trapped in the Twin Towers on 9/11.

The same boy who told us about the pot of gold would sometimes come over and push us while we were trapped and trying to get out. There was also this really big boy, who was kinda violent, who would come over and bash into us.

We still did this every week, though, so I don’t think we ever learnt our lesson. We were not okay in the head.

 

Education? Where?

I don’t actually remember ever doing proper learning for most of the year. Of course, we were taught shapes, literacy, our times tables, etc, but for most of the year, we were practising and performing plays, doing art and D.T. (just making stuff) or just anything that wasn’t really to do with conventional school.

We had a supply teacher once called Mr. Stone, who wouldn’t teach us a thing but would just sing songs with us all day. He taught us this Boa Constrictor song about how the snake kills. Our usual teacher, who was quite new, came back the next day, asking what we learnt and we told her that we just learnt the Boa Constrictor song. Mr. Stone ended up getting fired and never came back. We’re pretty sure our teacher got him fired. Jokes on her cause I’m pretty sure we got her fired, too.

The school, education wise, was pretty bad. They re-did the whole place after I left and the head teacher even got replaced. The head teacher before honestly looked like modern Miss Havisham.

my head teacher

 

Those were just a few funny primary school memories I remembered with Fizz. Do you have any funny school/childhood stories?

 

-Shay

More Crazy Things I Believed as a Child!

I previously made a post about the crazy, absurd things I believed when I was younger and since a lot of people enjoyed reading about how abnormal my head worked, I thought I’d make a part two!

 

How Babies Are Made

I used to think that if two people kiss for a long amount of time, there would be a high chance the female in the couple would become pregnant. I would always wonder when watching films, where people kissed, why they weren’t worried that they would make a baby. I was also scared to ever kiss anyone. I never got the birds and the bees talk. I ended up realising kissing didn’t cause a sperm to fertilise an egg, in year five sex ed lessons.

 

Car Lights

I think this is a common one but I used to think, because of my mum, that it was illegal to turn on the lights inside the car. Surprise, it isn’t! I’m not gonna lie, though, I used to flick it on and off just to scare my mum since I thought it was against the law. I was an edgy kid. 🤙🏽

 

Jeepers Creepers

One of the first horror films I ever watched was Jeeper Creepers. I watched it when I was about four to five. I have great parents. It didn’t traumatise me as much as you might think. I’m okay. I only go to therapy once a month now. 🙂

My guy, Jeeper Creepers

However, for a long long time, I was convinced one day Jeepers Creepers, this scarecrow moth demon thing, was going to get me and at one point, I had accepted it. I accepted my fate. Also, now I hate corn fields. Don’t watch the film, it’s actually really stupid.

I think I finally stopped being scared and watching my back constantly when going into dark areas at around eight. Again, it didn’t traumatise me as much as you might think.

 

Ants and Spiders

My mum once told me that if you left food out, ants and spiders and bugs would come along and surround the area. This is technically true but my little mind interpreted it wrong. I thought she meant by leaving food out, it would cause spiders and ants to just spawn in that exact spot.

One day, in reception, we were all sitting down after break or lunch. Someone had left some sort of food out on the floor and I whispered to the girl next to me about what my mum had said. The rest of that day, I was staring at the floor, waiting in fear for the ants and spiders to erupt from the ground. They never did. But who really knows…

 

Holding Your Breath

I thought that holding your breath would stop your lungs and heart working for a short time. So, I assumed when I held my breath, my pulse would stop too. I never checked the theory and went along with it as if it was legit factual information. It was also one of those things you never think about properly so for a long time, I just believed that holding your breath would also hold your heartbeat.

 

Spiderman Theme Tune

I never properly knew the Spiderman theme tune. There must have been a point where I did know it considering he’s always been my favourite Marvel superhero since I was about five or six (I used to pretend he followed me around and that he was my boyfriend –  don’t judge). Over the years, I have always sung the theme tune differently and for a while, this is the one I’ve stuck to:

Spiderman, Spiderman

Does whatever a Spiderman does

Is he too cool for school?

No he’s not cause he’s an alpaca

Watch out, Spidey’s coming for you!

 

It seems abooout right…

 

Babybel

Babybel is this brand of snack cheese. It’s basically circular cheese encased in this red waxy rubber covering. And everyone brought them in their pack lunches in primary school. So one day, when me and mum went food shopping, I begged her to get babybel cheese because I wanted to bring it to school to basically fit in. Screw being unique! That’s not how you make friends in primary school! My mum told me that I wouldn’t like  it and then she went on to say that it was disgusting and it really put me off it. I would see loads of my friends eating it and I would just sit there thinking, Shay, it’s gross and it doesn’t even look like real cheese. It’s not your loss for not having it, it’s really a gain. I talk to myself a lot

That’s the reason I’ve never even licked one of the babybel cheese snacks. I still continue to think its gross. Maybe I’ll put it on my bucket list to eat one, along with participating in an orgy. I’m just kidding! 😂 I would never eat babybel cheese.

 

Those are some more stupid things my dumb head believed when I was little (and maybe when I got older too… 😅)

Please share any silly things you believed! It’ll help my self esteem. 😊

 

-Shay

My Crazy DofE Adventure | Story Time

If you read my last post, I mentioned I was going to do my DofE Gold Practise Expedition. I had previously done my Bronze Award, which I found hard at the time. However, looking back, I don’t know why the hell I complained. Bronze was a lovely stroll in the park in comparison to gold.

🚨 Spoiler Alert: I Survived 🚨

 

(Some images I insert will be a little blurry since I took it while walking and they’re screenshots of videos I took.)

As I mentioned before, I was on my period during this trip. I honestly don’t care if that’s too much information because I think it’s important to mention that I was BLEEDING while walking for more than eight hours. Also, it was the second day, so if you’re a girl, you probably know that it was f̶r̶e̶a̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶N̶i̶a̶g̶ar̶a̶ ̶F̶a̶l̶l̶s heavy. 😂

We drove by coach to Brecon Beacons in Wales, which if you google, looks like an amazing and gorgeous place. And it was. But now, I hate it from association with the trip…

Google Image of Brecon Beacons

When we got to the campsite, we set up our tent. There was mould all over the inner bit of the tent. So basically, we slept under lovely fungus. On the plus side, if any of us had a bacterial infection, we could just make some penicillin with the fungus. 🙃

We then planned our route for the next day and mapped out how we were going to get to the next campsite. I worked out the six figure grid reference for each checkpoint and others did the distance calculations and time calculations. We ended up working out that we would only be walking for three hours, when we were supposed to walk for at least eight hours. This made us really happy because it meant we could take long breaks.

We were wrong.

 

Chilling at the campsite on the first day was actually fun. We played charades and this weird ball game and paranoia. We thought the trip was going to be fun and happy.

Again, we were wrong.

 

The next day, we set off with our approximately 15 kg bags on our backs, which didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. Our group was made up of entirely girls and we were accompanied by this teacher, we decided to call Gertrude. Gertrude told us “we don’t need breaks.” I was just like OMG THAT WAS SO FUNNY HAHA GERTRUDE YOU’RE SO FUNNY AHAHAHSAHSKA.

I didn’t like Gertrude.

 

The walking was fine. There was a lot of poo and nettles and thorns, which we all precariously tried to avoid. I tried to stay at the front of the group as I found being at the back made you feel more tired since you feel like you need to speed up. And then we reached a freaking mountain.

We knew we would have to climb up something steep due to the close contour lines on our map but I don’t really know why we didn’t think about the mountains that were surrounding us. So we climbed up a freaking mountain. I was so shook at this point that I started playing Shrek in my head to calm myself down from the fact we were climbing a steep mountain that went on for ages with 15 kg bags on our backs. We had a two minute break halfway up the mountain and my friend swapped the tent she was carrying with the stove I was carrying. We carried on climbing with frequent intervals of “Oh my God”s. And then we reached the top. I don’t even remember if we had a break after that. We started walking on the mountain, going a little uphill until we reached the clouds.

We did eventually walk through the clouds and it was very cold and wet but I strangely enjoyed it. We passed forests and reservoirs and it was very pretty but went on for AGES! I walked with one of my friends at the front, which was a good choice because it meant I could have breaks when we waited for others to catch up. Also, our hands got really fat from wind burn. It looked like the hands of a chubby baby. I also noticed that I actually have a lot of endurance and am so much stronger than I thought I was, both mentally and physically.

aND TheN wE hAd a BreAk!

 

Gertrude, the teacher, left us “to get coffee” and we were left on our own. We sat in the same position for about twenty minutes, which would have probably made Gertrude cry and faint. We looked at our map and decided to rebel against the route Gertrude suggested because we thought we were clever. We were going to take a short cut.

 

We went down a steep side of the mountain in a zig-zag formation, avoiding burrows, poo, sheep, nettles, thorns, this Prometheus alien like flower and slippery rocks. We were all travelling in single file. At the front, leading the way, was the friend I walked with before and my god, she was so hardcore. Then my best friend was second, who called out what to avoid and was looking at the map. Then it was me, who managed to end up still falling into holes and walking into faeces, even after being told to avoid it and then I would tell others to avoid it and then a friend behind me would pass the message along to the rest of the group. 

We then crossed paths with a skeleton. There was a skull, ribs, spine, limbs, the whole shebang. And there was blood. Everywhere! I guess that’s what happens when you decide to take a different route…(it was a sheep or small horse skeleton though, don’t worry!) Close by, was what looked like a human poo. Maybe someone else saw the skeleton and got a bit too scared…?

(Image of the skeleton to the right)

 

At first, it was okay. And then it got steeper and we became more impatient. We went further down the mountain, where it was practically vertical. I slipped and grabbed onto a giant clump of crap for dear life. At this point, in the words of Gemma Collins, I realised that actually this is serious stuff. I just thought haha, this is not for me.

This sounds like an exaggeration but we were very close to death.

 

After ages of slipping and zig-zagging, we made the decision to just head straight down, instead of going across the mountain diagonally. Two people chucked on waterproof trousers and slid down the flipping mountain. I carelessly, grabbed onto thorns and nettles to you know, avoid dying. I just didn’t care anymore. I even let spiders of all colours crawl on me. (I have red spots from it all over my arms, legs and hands, now. 😂)

We trekked down this very very steep path of nettles, which was low down so the mountains were high up on the sides of us. The path slowly faded into a stream, which became more slippery as you went down it. So, without hesitation, we all, one by one, ROCK CLIMBED up, vertically, without a rope, with 15 freaking kg bags, to get on top of the mountain again. We rock climbed! I’m still shocked by it since that’s something I would never have done without a safety rope.

We ran down the rest of the mountain to a path at the bottom and finally had a break on this patch of grass that was in the shape of a sofa.

Arriving at the bottom

 

And then we went through a gate

into private property.

 

We didn’t know this at the time until we were about half way through the field. I’ve been told by several people that you can get arrested for trespassing, since it is illegal, and farmers could shoot you if you do. We saw two farmers with dogs at the bottom of the field so we travelled incognito, laying low (with my bright yellow raincoat and giant pink hat) to avoid dying, which seemed very likely during this trip.

We sprinted across onto another field, while this horse that probably belonged to the farmers followed us and watched us. The horse was a little snakey snitch. We dashed over a fence onto a road, where there was a sign saying “Do Not Enter (the field)! Warning of Danger!” I think it would have been a little nice if we saw that before.

 

We trotted along the road, happily, shooketh to the core at all we just went through, and then a white van passed us. Not that type of van though…

There were a few of our teachers in there. They stopped and one came out, who told us to wait. He went back into the van and as he did, we legged it down the road. I really don’t know why. We literally ran from the teachers and I honestly don’t know why we thought we would succeed because we were so goddamn slow. The teacher ended up following us to the campsite since we were about three hours late. Finally we got to the campsite, where everyone clapped as we got there. It took us twelve hours! So much for taking three hours with loads of long breaks… 😂

 

The campsite toilets were disgusting though! 😂 There were giant spiders everywhere, dead flies all over the ceiling, either mud of poop smeared on the walls, period blood dripping on one wall of the cubicle, water that smelt like sewage, and “windows” without glass. A giant flying daddy long legs entered one while my friend was on the toilet and she screamed and ran out and we were all running from side to side, screaming, as it followed us.

 

The next day was a little less exhilarating and a little more painful. We climbed up mountains at least three times (the 3rd time was torture) and a male sheep almost charged at us. So yeah…

 

How was your weekend?

 

-Shay

Crazy Things I Believed as a Child!

There are a lot of silly and weird things I believed when I was little. I complied a list of a few I could remember and I thought they were too funny to not share.

 

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FedEx Vans

I used to see FedEx vans everywhere, when I was younger, but I didn’t know what they were used for. There was one right outside my house that stayed there for ages. It had been there for years. Inevitably, my little imagination assumed they were spies and were watching people. I mean, who really knows…

 

Growing A Plant

I used to watch Strawberry Shortcake. In this particular episode I saw, she was explaining what you needed, to grow a plant, in three steps. Number one was sunlight. Number two was water. And because it was frEaKIng Strawberry Shortcake, she suggested for number three that you needed love. SO, I was in year three/four, I think, and we were learning about plants. The teacher asked our entire class to raise our hands if we knew what you needed to make a plant grow. Two people had already said the sun and water and nobody else knew anymore so I thought, Hahaha these ignorant fools. I put my hand up and with extreme confidence, announced you needed love to make a plant grow. Spoiler alert, that’s actually wrong and I’m suing Strawberry Shortcake for my emotional damage. Don’t trust that hoe.

I’ve found kids TV shows say a lot of weird things, for example, I once overheard a care bear say “I feel as tired as a nipple after feeding time”.

 

Sleeping Beauty’s Birthday

I got this personalised Disney Princesses story book for my birthday, which is the 16th of October, where I was a character in three different stories (Cinderella, The Little Mermaid and Sleeping Beauty). You’ve probably already heard of something like this but it’s a company that puts the child’s name in the book to make it seem like they’re going on the adventure with whatever the main book characters of the story are. At the beginning of the story, it states it’s the 16th of October and that it’s Briar Rose’s (Sleeping Beauty) and my birthday. So for years and years, after getting that book, I thought Sleeping Beauty had the same birthday as me and I’m not gonna lie, I think it was only last year, at my big age of sixteen, that I realised that the story was personalised for me and every child, who gets that story, will have the same birthday as Sleeping Beauty and it wouldn’t be the 16th of October. You don’t know how many people I’ve told that I have the same birthday as her.

 

The Wind

My mum, for some unknown reason, told me if I made a weird or rude face and the wind changed direction, my facial expression would stay the same forever. I used to be terrified that I would accidentally make the wrong face when I was playing outside while windy.

 

The Land of Orange Juice

When I was in reception or year 1 (about ages 5-6), my best friend came to my house for the day. We were eating lunch and my mum left the room. My friend split her orange juice on the table and I said “Uh oh.” I don’t know why I did this but I started telling her the butterfly effect of what she had done. I said that the orange juice would slowly spread across the whole table and then to us, which would make us stay stuck in the same position forever, and then it would cover the floors and then the house and then the garden, and our parents and eventually, the entire world and then everybody on it and then the Universe and we would all be stuck forever. She cried.

 

Were there any crazy things you believed when you were younger or even recently? I’d love to hear them! 😄

 

-Shay

Eight Year Old Me’s Writing Journal!

I recently found an orange notebook, hidden within the pig sty that is my room, entitled (my full name)’s Writing Journal. At first I was curious and excited, since I had completely forgotten about writing in it and what I had written in it. And now, having read it, I feel very nostalgic but also a little amused so I thought I’d share eight year old Shay’s thoughts with you.

(Everything I write in italics is exactly how I wrote it when I was eight. I can say, with confidence, I have improved in writing since then.)

 

The Shooting Star

On a dark dark night with the moonlight shining so bright like dimonds twinkleing and also the stars. One day a girl called Henna went outside because she couldn’t go to sleep. “Wow”, she had just saw something amazing.

“It’s a shooting star.” she said. Woosh she zoomed towards her house and told everyone but they didn’t belive her so she went outside. Suddenly she saw the shooting star fall on the floor. She went to pick it up. 

 

And that’s it. I didn’t write anymore. I clearly thought the story out.

 

What Animal I Would Rather Be

I would rather be cat because you can walk around by yourself but dogs you have to walk with your owner and dogs have to be wet when they bath but cats don’t have to be wet when you bath.

I also wrote another reason why being a cat would be better but very badly attempted to cross out:

I would also want to be a cat because you won’t look scary but dogs look very scary sometimes.

 

Snow

Snow makes me feel delighted becaus you can make snowmen and snowangles. Snow sometimes makes me feel annoyed Because of this my feet and fingers hurt. alot.

 

Bunnyland

I would go to bunny land, which I made up on a peice of paper, because I made it up and when I drew it it looked so colourful and magical I just wanted to go into it. I also want to go there because I love bunnies and sometimes I dream of being in bunnyland. There are shops filled with toys and treats including glorious fruit and veg. There are even competitions and the prizes is money. My adventure in bunnyland would be trying all the competitions. But if I get lost it would be a big adventure.

 

What I Would Do If I Saw An Alien

If I saw an alien in the school playground, I would ask him alot of questions about him and his planet then take photos and put it on the news paper and write what he said to me. 

 

Apparently, I was a corrupt child.

 

Where I’d Rather Live

I would rather live in the sea because there are so many animals and mermaids with water fairies I also want to live in the sea because I love to swim. And once I went on a boat with a hole under it so I could see loads of sea creatures.

 

If you’re wondering, I was talking about a glass-bottom boat not an actual boat with a hole.

 

When I Grow Up

When I grow up I would like to be an Author and an Illistrater because I love to write books about me and my favorite things. I love to draw especially people and animals because they are hard to draw and it’s challenging.

 

If I Was On A Deserted Island 

I would bring food, water and my DSi.

Food will make me full of energy.

Water will keep me cool and not hot.

A game won’t make me bored.

So that is why I would take my 3 items.

If I did not have these items I would starve and be very thirsty and I will even get ill.

 

Seems legit.

 

If I Was A Pirate

If I was a pirate the best thing would be is to find treasure and be rich because I could spend it on anything.

The worste thing would be is that other pirates would bomb and shoot at us and we can get hurt.

I wouldn’t like to be a pirate because it is dangerous even if there is treasure someone could die or get hurt and you may sink while sharks attack. 

 

So those are most of the ramblings I made in my journal. The rest of the journal is just an accumulation of my thoughts and feelings on family and friends and also people’s phone numbers. There’s also drawings with captions underneath or arrows leading off them saying ‘this is bad’ or ‘this is ugly’. Self confidence issues since day one!

 

Did you write in a journal when you were younger?

 

-Shay

I Am Disgusting!

I AM DISGUSTING.

I want to announce that. With trumpets and a red carpet rolling out onto the ground for me to walk on, to a stage and to shout that I am disgusting. You know why?

 

Every month, this red fluid oozes out of my kitty cat meow meow. Just oozes out me like nobody’s business and it’s like Saw 3 all up in the shower. It’s like that scene from Carrie.

 

And I shit. And so do you. We all shit. The Queen shits. The Kardashians shit. We’re like shitholes.

And pee too. We piss all over the place like dogs and men. I mean…really, we pee in swimming pools. You’ve probably downed a litre of pee.

 

We have snot and saliva and sweat.

And speaking of liquids beginning with S, I once sprayed my dentist with spit. It just sprayed out my mouth, I couldn’t help it. Just happened. (TBH she deserved it.)

And again about sweat, we sweat like pigs. I don’t even know how much pigs sweat, I’m assuming a lot because of the saying ‘sweating like a pig’ but boy, it could probably cure the world’s drought epidemic.

 

Oh god and we burp. It’s like our thing. Lions roar, dogs bark, elephants trumpet. And us? We belch out trapped air like a demonic mating call.

 

Plus, I get acne. We get acne.

And our fingers poke and prod at these inflamed, explosive bombs. I’ve seen things I can’t unsee.

 

And here’s the cherry on top.

Wait for it…

 

Hold on… just wait for it.

 

Women. Fart. Too.

Whhhhaaaa?

No…really. We do.

We’re disgusting. Human beings are disgusting. We’re flatulence, liquid leaking, crazy machines.

But who cares?

 

We’re human.

 

-Shay

EVENTFUL MATHS LESSONS | Story Time

During my time in year nine and ten, Maths lessons were a time to really and truly reflect on how much of a failure I had become. I used to sit at the back of the class with a diligent friend, let’s call Celestia (inside joke), who sat to my right and a careless boy, H, who sat to my left.

It seemed pretty cool to sit in the middle of them, seeing as though I was already friends with them, right?

No, my friend. You and I both thought wrong.

 

Celestia and H were like oil and water. They fought all the time. I knew I had to be their emulsifier so I tried once. It was a time when H decided to steal Celestia’s ruler so he stretched over and grabbed it but Celestia snatched it by the end. They were pulling back and forth like tug of war, constantly forcing me to lean back against my chair so I wouldn’t be in the way. It got to a point where I couldn’t lean back anymore and this was no longer a game of Who-Can-Get-Celestia’s-Ruler-To-Themselves-First but it was war and potential death.

They were careless and tugging at this blue poor ruler, moving closer and closer to me, as I tried desperately to not get involved. And it was in that moment that I knew I. Had. Done. Goofed. by leaning back. I tried to grip onto the wall not far behind me and stop myself from falling back but the force between the two fighters were too strong and there I was, lying on my back, the chair’s legs horizontal, my legs vertical.

They both stopped and stared, laughing so hard. What made it worse was the fact that we were so cramped in that corner of the room that I couldn’t even find the space to get back up. I was stuck, possibly flashing people.

At that point, my dignity wasn’t a priority, getting up was.

To this day, however, I believe I was the emulsifier to the oil and water that was Celestia and H so call me Martin Luther King. But, like, don’t actually.

 

Later on, I migrated to the front of the class, sadly, for the sake of my education, along with H, and another girl, who I had pretty good banter with. There was a girl in front of us, who holy moly, was just wow. Wow not as in I’m-a-lesbian-and-I-think-she-was-hot kid of ‘Wow’. She was pretty but she was ‘Wow’ as in she was so desperate and overly flirtatious that I have nothing else to say but ‘Wow’ that doesn’t sound like I’m slut shaming. I remembered she dropped her pen on the floor behind her and as she picked it up, she did this sort of hair flip as she rose her head back up and made eye contact with H and then me. It was the sort of hair flip in L’Oréal adverts, where the girl says something like “My hair defines me” at the beginning and has this smoky eye thing going on to make her look more intriguing. Yeah, that hair flip.

Right behind me was a boy, the Andy Bernard of our class. He always sang and when Celestia’s new class next door couldn’t hear us laughing or screaming, they could hear him singing.

 

There were a lot of different personalities, that stood out, in that class. However, all these personalities in one room was nothing compared to Ebenezer Scrooge himself. My maths teacher was literally a tall, less slouched version of the old man from Monster House, except he never softened to us. He actually looked like him too. He was very closed book and had coffee breath and GIANT hands. He was strict and often unfair and a little sexist and racist, but it was all in good humour…(not really, actually. We had to make statements about witnessing his racist comments…)

One day, the teacher was teaching us (that’s what teachers do, Captain Obvious) but us students were so distracted by the buzzing of this fly as we traced it with our eyes, flying around the sadness of the room. We were like those cats, constantly looking back and forth.

Our teacher didn’t really care but then gradually, our eyes started to follow the fly closer and closer to the board and just like that, the fly landed on his freaking head! His shiny bald head! I couldn’t tell whether he knew it landed on his head or not (very close to his forehead, by the way, although I don’t know if his forehead would have an end).

We sat, eyes fixed on him and I swear, even though I know it lasted for about a second, the time we were in utter silence staring at this fly, plopped on his head, lasted forever. The tidal wave of laughter erupted and someone goes, “Sir, there’s a fly on your head.” And he doesn’t even care. He just carries on teaching like an automated robot. We’re too occupied gaining abs from laughing and alerting him that this disgusting, actual faeces eating, flying creature landed on his head, and he doesn’t even care. After a while, it gets to a point where he can’t teach any of us anymore so he decides to wave his hands about to scare the fly off, like you would do anyway when you felt it landing. On. Your. Bare. Head!

Not long after, the fly actually came back again to land on his head. His shiny egg head was like a landing pad for the fly.

 

Although, even with these stories put together, it’s definitely not as funny as the time he aggressively shoved my friend of a chair, to encage a huge rat, near her foot, in a transparent box, while we were in a maths test…

 

Please share your own funny class memories in the comments. 😀

And may the forth be with you.

 

-Shay

His Mum forgot his Underwear? | Story Time

I was watching Jessii Vee’s story time videos, and I came across one, which reminded me of this particular incident that happened when I was in year one.

 

We were changing in our classroom for PE and because we were young, boys and girls changed in the same room. Mind you, I stayed far from the boys anyways.

So we were changing and someone starts shouting and others began laughing.

 

This boy, who was really annoying and clingy, from what I remember, was naked from the stomach down. As soon as I looked, I just though what. the. heck. is. that?

I was like six. I wasn’t aware that boys were ‘different’ if you know what I mean.

 

The teacher went up to him, confused, and asked why he wasn’t wearing any underwear.

His response is probably what makes me remember this story so vividly.

He said, “Oh! My mum forgot to put it on me.”

We were small but we were still thinking of how ridiculous that was. Firstly, how can you not remember to put your underwear on? And secondly, how did you forget you didn’t have it on when taking your trousers off? XD Those school trousers were really uncomfortable, might I add. With the feeling of it, without underwear….I just don’t understand that boy’s logic.

I don’t remember what happened after that, partly because I didn’t want to look that way, but he was reminded of that story for a loooong time.

 

Go on an adventure.

-Shay :3

 

Things Parents Do:

I used to have a blog, with similar posts like the ones I post here, except it was quite limited.

I remember writing a post about parents and the funny, crazy and annoying things they do. Actually, that post was the reason I deleted the site. But we don’t have to talk about that!

However, after I posted the post on my old blog, someone commented, who actually had special machines to type for him since he was blind (i thought that was interesting). He said that the post made him smile because his mum usually did the things that I said my parents did.

So I want to write a post like that again.

Something funny that usually happens with my parents is they usually lecture me about how I need to eat healthy foods and how I should go out more instead of staying indoors all the time. But whenever my grandma comes to stay, she usually lectures my parents about that. Well…my dad, anyway, since my grandma is his mum and my mum’s parents live far far away.

They’re also quite hypocritical, which can be annoying but funny. At the time, it was annoying but now it’s just funny.

They lie too because they think it’ll “protect” you like saying:

  • “Chocolate will give you acne.”
  • “If you make a rude face and the wind changes direction, it will stay like that.”
  • “If you watch the TV for too long, it will set on fire.”

 

*STOP READING IF YOU KNOW THE TOOTH FAIRY IS REAL!*

 

I remember when my sister’s tooth came out, she put it under her pillow but my dad forgot to parentsreplace it with a coin. So in the morning, he snuck into my room, which I had shared with my sister, and took the tooth and put a one pound coin under he pillow. I was up already and we thought my sister was too until she opened her eyes and was really confused and angry. I’m not totally sure she still believes in the tooth fairy anymore.

 

I was reading BuzzFeed and I read some crazy funny stuff! I read that the writer’s parents said that his mum told him that if he touched anything in the store, a kitten would die. He also said that his dad said: “My dad told me people only get 10,000 words per month. If you reach the limit, you can’t physically speak until the new month begins. Anytime I was especially talkative, dad would say, ‘Careful, you’re over 9,000 by now.’”

And he said that his dad told him that the animals on the side of the road were only sleeping because it was warm there.

 

What are some funny things your parents told you?

 

 

-Shay