Plant Mum! 🌱

The start of 2019, I made the resolution that I would have plants since reading “Plants. Are. Good. For. Your. Mental. Health.”

This is where my addiction began.


My first plant was little Velma! I don’t know what kind of plant she was but she was a little cutie and I started to see how having a plant would help my mental health (ha!). She was my little baby.

Velma (front) and Daphne (back)

Velma was then joined by Daphne, my indoor daffodil. I was so excited as Daphne was a little baby so wasn’t a full daffodil yet and I was eager to see her progress, flourishing into the beauty she was going to be. That never came.

Vera was the next addition, an aloe vera.

Velma and Daphne eventually died. RIP.

And this is where it becomes a big old blur!



Vera was thriving, living her best life and then I adopted a little cactus off Etsy named Dr Xero (until writing this post I forgot I still have him). Dr Xero has a PhD. He’s also in love with Vera. Hehe. 


I then got this white flowery plant called Zara. She died. 

Zara was replaced when I adopted Bing Bong from Morrisons, a pink flowery beauty, who soon died too. God showed me no mercy.


My friend and I had a little cinema date to watch Jumanji 2 and on our adventure in Tescos, looking for snacks, we encountered the beauty that soon became Woody, out mini christmas tree plant. He has fake snow on him! We have shared custody but I’ve had him for a while. He’s turning yellow. 

Woody and his parents


My boyfriend and I then went to IKEA where we got matching lily plants. I named my one Lily and he named his Arthur. Couple goals.

Lily ft. sunflowers


I started to get too excited and very carried away. From this website, Patch Plants, I bought Leafy, a Devil’s ivy plant AND a Chinese money plant, I named Penny. 

Penny soon died.


My precious aloe vera, Vera, started to go mushy so I swapped her for my sister’s very healthy aloe vera and pretended like nothing happened. 😀


At this point, I don’t really know what happened. Somewhere along the way I got Alice/Maddie (idk what I even named her), and she was a tradescantia sitara. She was cool. She died. 


My dad bought me this asparagus plant thingy that looks like a tree from a savannah so I think I called my plant Savannah but I don’t remember. She’s basically dead but I keep her corpse in my room. It brings me comfort. 🙂


Boo (left) and Aurora (right)

I then got a cool pink succulent, in which I LOVED. I called her Aurora, she was beautiful. She was my pride and joy. She tied my room together. And then she started turning green and crippled away no matter what I did. I also got my bamboo plant, Boo, at the same time and I absolutely adored her. She is now on her way to the afterlife. 


My boyfriend and I then went on another plant spree and we got two plants each. I got a rubber plant, because I heard they were easy to look after and I also got this tiny little purple leaved plant. Robin was my rubber plant and the little purple one was called Raven and I put a tiny little witch’s hat on her. Raven may or may not be dead but she is still in my room. 


For Christmas, I got this cool plant, I don’t know what it’s called. I don’t think I named it either. Might as well not because guess what, it’s basically dead. My cat, Willow, also for some reason LOVED to eat his leaves so I had to move it away. 

My plant and Willow

During my plant collecting time, I also tried to propagate a mint plant. I think I tried three/four times and they kept dying. I am cursed. 


Currently, the plants I still have are:

  • Raven, my purple leaved plant (basically dead)
  • Woody, my Christmas plant (although pee pee yellow)
  • Boo, my bamboo (dead!)
  • Savannah, asparagus plant (surprise, dead-ish!)
  • Unnamed Christmas plant (dry and dead like my insides)
  • Robin, my rubber plant (missing leaves but is okay)
  • Leafy, my Devil’s Ivy (is missing a lot of leaves)
  • Lily, my lily (she’s actually good)
  • Dr Xero, my cactus (thriving, well and healthy!)

I really really love plants but they don’t love me. It’s the same with squirrels. I’m not sure if Winter is the reason my current plants are departing or because no one watered my plants while I was gone for a month but I don’t think I should be getting anymore. 😦


The moral of the story is, I think I have an addictive personality and plants caused more stress and grief on me than I ever could imagine. FUN!




“Depression Superpowers”?

I have recently discovered a podcast on Spotify called Depression Talks with Immanuel and in one of his episodes, he speaks about so called “depression superpowers”. That, of course, sounds absurd. How can this burden of a disease be considered something as glorifying as a superpower. But upon further investigation, Immanuel is somewhat right.

Although depression is a horrible condition, it does have its positives, which I, too, have learnt over the years. In fact, after my first ‘encounter’ with depression, I was obviously relieved to have come out of it but also in a way grateful for having gone through it because of the ‘positives’ I gained from it. And that’s what I’m going to talk about here.


Depression increases empathy, which is something I noticed was quite significant for me. Before depression, I wasn’t as empathetic as I am now. I now feel connections with people struggling with extreme emotions and issues in their life, even if I haven’t been through it myself. The level of empathy I have now is very intense, which is a big change from how I used to be. Of course, as you get older, your empathy will grow from when you were younger and naïve but I know, for certain, depression has enhanced that for me. It means I find it very easy to put myself in someone else’s shoes, experiencing their emotions and thoughts. Obviously, you can never fully understand what internal or even external struggle someone is going through but being extremely empathetic can for sure make it easier. It also makes it easier to understand you never really know what someone’s going through and to be kind, which leads me on to my next point.


I understand now that we never ever really know what someone’s going through, even if you think you really know that person. I have become cautious over what I say to people because I know even the smallest thing can trigger a whole load of emotion in someone, which we may not realise from them concealing it. I can admit that before depression, I could be quite judgemental and close-minded and depression has in a way moulded me to become a better person when it comes to thinking about other people, and for that I am actually grateful.

Questions, Questions, Questions

Anyone with depression knows the ongoing daily questions that can dart through every corner of your mind. Why am I here? What’s the point? Does anyone even love me? What’s my purpose? And from first glance, those questions seem very negative, and for the most part they are. But every single one of those questions can be a positive question. It forces us to think deeply, involving logic and empiricism (and this is even used in CBT). What’s my purpose? This can seem very negative, questioning whether they should give up, etc, but this can be turned into ‘Yes, what is my purpose? What is something I can do to make my life feel fulfilled, etc. You don’t need a purpose to be alive but by asking questions like these, we can in turn think deeply and evaluate our lives. Another example is questioning if people really love you. There will, of course, be people that love you, but the question can simply evaluate all your relationships, judging what’s right and wrong with it, helping to possibly change it for the better. Asking so many questions also makes us more analytical.

Analytical Thinking

Sharon Begley in her Newsweek article, The Upside of Depression, explains that our brains are always on a treadmill. Most of the time anyway. Sometimes we can be paranoid and overthink far too much, thinking “So and so hates me, I’m awful, of course they would hate me….” and thoughts like these tend to cycle through our heads constantly, which apparently help us to think about the origin of depression in the first place. It can even lead to Eureka moments. A 2007 study reported people feeling depressed before doing challenging maths problems tend to score higher than those who are happy.

Healthier Choices

This is something that happened post ‘first time I was depressed’. Through the experience, I have done a lot of research on how to better myself and making healthier choices like eating my vegetables, stretching, working out, etc. I’m not amazing at it now but I am certainly better than before. Depression in a way has forced me to change to be a healthier me.


I’ve noticed amongst many depressives, including myself, that we tend to be very appreciative over small things, whether that be outwardly and vocally very appreciative or internally silently-thinking appreciative. Here’s a list of things that I really appreciate about life:

  • Sound and smell of rain
  • Flames
  • How the moon changes phase everyday
  • Cat yawns
  • Warm glow of sunset
  • Icy spiking air of mornings
  • Smell of coffee
  • Cloudy skies
  • Sunny skies
  • Snails 🙂
  • Faces you can find in tree trunks

Similarly, it has made me more optimistic, which is kind of funny for a depressive. A little bit ironic. Even though I can get trapped in negative thinking, I also like to look at the good that can come from ‘annoying’ things such as lots of noise = people in my life, or having to clean up = I have a home and room for me to live in. Gratitude is a feeling that can’t be forced but trying hard and learning to look on the bright side of things can feel rewarding.

Not Going With The Flow

Immanuel talks about this in his podcast but he found many people, who do not struggle with depression, who live their routinely lives of waking up early, going to work, coming home, being with their family, going to sleep, and repeat, are actually very happy in their lives. And that is great and I am happy for people content with their lives. However, depression has made me very stubborn to that kind of lifestyle, constantly in need of change, not going with the flow that most people are accepting of. And although this can actually make me more depressed when I am set in a routine for the meantime I can’t get out of, it has made me explore and experiment with different hobbies and experiences that can change up my day and has made me a happier and more interesting person.


Following the previous point, depression has definitely made me more ambitious. Hitting rock bottom, I didn’t care about my future and dreams and ambitions, but because it is rock bottom, there is only one way to go – up – and with that, I grasped onto many ambitious ideas and hopes for the future like travelling to different countries (it’s how my bucket list came to fruition) and it’s how I decided what to do at university, too. Depression has made me want to feel more fulfilled with life and be more adventurous.

Depression had also forced me out of my comfort zone. I feel a lot more courageous and expressive, now than ever.

There are many other things that have come from depression that can be deemed as positive for people. You may not agree with everything I said here but I’m sure there are other things you can think of that have risen from depression that has helped you and your life.

Depression, of course, is a life-taking disease, and I do not mean to glorify it here, I just want to highlight some key positives and so called ‘superpowers’ that I have gained from it.


This blog started when I was deep into depression and didn’t understand it and to be honest, I didn’t really know what I was talking about. Now that I feel deep in again, I know it’s different because I do understand it better. As I said, I was happy when I came out the first time, I was thankful. But back then, I couldn’t compile words wise enough to describe the effects of depression and how they have actually bettered me but I have come a long way from the cringe-y, close-minded person I used to be.



Primary School Memories!

It’s funny how fast I have grown up and how fast time has flown by. It feels like yesterday I was blowing out candles, wishing to be best friends with Selena Gomez. Now, I’m wishing for good credit score. Both of which will never come true.

I finally aged up last week, on the 16th of October, like I do every year. And now I’m big fat 19 years old! I literally don’t feel different! I don’t think I’ve felt different since I turned twelve. My face also hasn’t changed since I was twelve. Or my height. BUT, one thing that has changed are my experiences and memories.

I went out on Sunday with a few friends, one of which was my best friend in primary school, who I’ll name Fizz. Since we got to catch up, I went on a little journey down memory lane, which evidently gave me a stomach ache from laughing so hard. I thought it would be fun to share some of the crazy and wacky memories that I have of primary school.


Troublemakers on Bikes

Like in It, The Goonies, Super 8, Stranger Things, E.T, basically any 80s film where the kids ride bikes 70% of the time, me and my friends were the Kidz On Bikes in my area. And by ‘area’, I mean our road and the few roads that branched off it. We live in the city, it’s hard to go bike riding for fun when you’re nine.

Kool Kidz

There were five of us (including Fizz), who lived about a minute away from each other (basically on the same road). We would meet up after school and even on day offs and ride our bikes around. I remember brining out as little as £3 and having the time of our lives, negotiating with the corner shop man for lower prices. Business people in the making! I remember the corner shop man emptying Haribo’s onto a plate and selling each Haribo for 1p. We really manipulated him.

We used to play Knock Down Ginger, which is a game where you knock on someone’s door and then run away and hide. I feel like most kids have done this but we were way too brave. There were a few sketchy houses on my road and the roads near us, like this old man who lived in this really run down house. The windows were boarded off, the door was half blocked, the paint was peeling, garden overgrown. It was straight out of a horror film but we tried to knock on his door. We also knocked on the door of this house, which the police always came to. Not really sure why…

We honestly had the time of our lives. We would go out in the dark, in the pouring rain, in super cold temperatures. Now that I think about it, I’m wondering why my parents let me do all that.


The Man in the Bushes

In my primary school, there was this field that the big kids (year four and above) were allowed to play on. There were a bunch of bushes at the very back, right in front of the fence. And right behind the fence was a block of flats overlooking the field. One day, at lunch, all the kids were playing on the field and all of a sudden, there was a random man standing in the bushes. We were never allowed to play in the bushes again. There were theories that the man was the dad of a kid that went to the school, who lived in the flats, and he wasn’t allowed to be with his child. I don’t know. Once, he jumped over the fence into the school and we were all made to go and stay inside. After that incident, we all took the piss since we would stand in front of the flats and call out for the man to come back.


Cloakroom Ghost

The cloakroom was where we would keep out coats, bags and stuff. It was always dark in there and this one time, we went inside and saw a dark shadow move. Ever since it happened, we would always go into the cloakroom together or be really scared and we would claim to hear creepy sounds. Little did our dumbasses know the dark shadow was our shadow from the light coming in from the classroom. We were very silly.



Another silly situation was something that happened between me and Fizz. I think it’s a fact that young people experience déjà vu more often than other people so me and Fizz were experiencing it A LOT. Because we were geniuses, we jumped to the conclusion that we were psychic. We wrote it secretly in our diaries. Fizz told me recently that she wrote ‘I am psychic’ backwards in her diary so no one would suspect it. I even remember going downstairs quietly and telling my mum privately about my secret. I genuinely believed that I had some sort of psychic ability.


Biggest Scams of my Childhood

In my lifetime, I have met a lot of pathological liars (they’re more common than you think) but I still can’t get over two lies that I was told in my childhood.

  1. Lie 1: In reception, when I was about five, this girl told me and this other girl she was going to the jungle after school. I asked her how she was going there and she told me she gets picked up and goes to stay the night. Even more curious, little me asked her how she could stay there since it was so dangerous and she responded by telling me that there’s a monkey, lion and some other animal that talk and take care of her. Excited, the other girl and I asked if we could come with her. Enthusiastic about the idea, jungle girl told us we could come but we had to ask our mums. I told the teacher I was going to be going with the girl to the jungle after school. I can’t imagine what the teacher must have thought. After school, I asked my mum if I could go to a freaking jungle with flipping Dora the lying explorer and my mum obviously said “no, she’s lying” and I don’t really know at what point in my life I actually accepted that there was no jungle and was no friendly talking animals and that it was all a lie.
  2. Lie 2: There was this boy, who I was fairly close friends with and so trusted, who came in with a little clump of ‘gold’. We asked the boy where he got it and he told us that he got it from the

    what I was expecting

    pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. So I stupidly asked where the end of the rainbow was and he told us by the reception of the school. To get to the reception, you could either take this narrow dark pathway outside or walk to it from the inside but when my dad came to pick me up, we had to take the dark pathway. I told my dad, who already looked fed-up, to take a detour to the reception to get the gold. Tired and done, he told me the boy was lying but I went to look anyway. Spoiler alert: there was no pot of gold. Fizz and I were annoyed so the next day, we asked the boy and he told us it moved to the alleyway near my house. I don’t know what I must have done to this boy but he was really trying to get me and my friend, two young weak girls, kidnapped or god knows what.


Top Table

I don’t know if this was just my primary school but we had this ‘top table’ thing where every week a child from each year would get picked to sit at the TOP TABLE for lunch, with the deputy head teacher. They made it seem like such a privilege but I don’t remember a single kid that yelled “YESS! IT’S MY TURN TO SIT AT THE TOP TABLE!” I used to dread the moment I would get picked. Sadly, I did and it was the most awkward thing in my life. You just sit with a bunch of children, you’ve never spoken to before, and with this teacher, and you just eat in front of the rest of the non-top table children, who get to sit with their friends for lunch.


Activity Club

this is exactly what the parachute looked like

After school, on Tuedays, we had Activity Club. It lasted until 5/5:30, which meant it was only two hours but it seemed like forever when I was a child. Activity club was just  where you could do whatever you wanted. You could paint, make masks, play sports, run around, etc. They always gave us drinks and sandwiches at the beginning and sometimes, they brought Gogos (these tiny plastic monster figures you could collect) for us. Anyway, for some reason, every week, me and my friends would play with the giant rainbow parachute on the field. Every week. I can confirm that my claustrophobia was initiated at this stupid club, or at least made it worse. We would throw the parachute up in the air and then run inside before it could hit the floor and then keep running around until we were all trapped and lost and wrapped up in the parachute. And then we had to find a way out of the parachute. There was very little air and everything was dark and smelt like sweat. I swear we were stuck for a good ten minutes at one point. I honestly felt like I was trapped in the Twin Towers on 9/11.

The same boy who told us about the pot of gold would sometimes come over and push us while we were trapped and trying to get out. There was also this really big boy, who was kinda violent, who would come over and bash into us.

We still did this every week, though, so I don’t think we ever learnt our lesson. We were not okay in the head.


Education? Where?

I don’t actually remember ever doing proper learning for most of the year. Of course, we were taught shapes, literacy, our times tables, etc, but for most of the year, we were practising and performing plays, doing art and D.T. (just making stuff) or just anything that wasn’t really to do with conventional school.

We had a supply teacher once called Mr. Stone, who wouldn’t teach us a thing but would just sing songs with us all day. He taught us this Boa Constrictor song about how the snake kills. Our usual teacher, who was quite new, came back the next day, asking what we learnt and we told her that we just learnt the Boa Constrictor song. Mr. Stone ended up getting fired and never came back. We’re pretty sure our teacher got him fired. Jokes on her cause I’m pretty sure we got her fired, too.

The school, education wise, was pretty bad. They re-did the whole place after I left and the head teacher even got replaced. The head teacher before honestly looked like modern Miss Havisham.

my head teacher


Those were just a few funny primary school memories I remembered with Fizz. Do you have any funny school/childhood stories?



Taste The Rainbow!

Honey, I’m home.

I am back from my long exam break. I actually finished my exams mid June but I was doing things non-stop since, which made it hard to sit down to think and write a post. I’ve done a lot in such a short amount of time: took the night bus for the first time and saw a woman snorting cocaine on her boyfriends lap (I thought they were doing something else ngl) and literally hanky pankying later, as well as another guy smoking a joint a few seats in front of me. I also got punched in the boob by a boy I used to chat to in a club, climbed the O2 and led the group down, saw Callum from Love Island on the Northern line. And all of that happened on the same day.

And on my little adventures I’ve been having, running around Central London, I’ve been noticing a lot of rainbow flags and signs, etc. It’s pride day in London, today, so I thought it would be relevant to share something important today in this post. It’s a little secret I’ve been keeping which I’m ready to spill. And I assure you, you’re going to need some ice for this piping hot tea. 🐸☕️



All these rainbows everywhere reminded me for my love for them! They’re basically chocolate skittles and I would love to taste their rainbow at any point in the day.  I could eat those rainbow chocolate balls all day long. Who doesn’t love a good old chocolate ball?


Every penny I make goes into investing in those little packets of diabetes. I don’t even care that every one of those sweet beads will end up as a bead on my face. #adultacne 🤙🏽🤙🏽


I love every single colour to exist of them because I don’t discriminate because I’m not RaCisT! And they just had to whip out all the different fillings too. Peanut, peanut butter, crispy, chocolate. Fuck me up! You’re doing it to my skin and thighs anyway. 🤪


I  know I sound crazy but I feel so relieved coming out with my little M&M secret! I hope you’re understanding and accepting.


oh also I’m kinda queer.




Hellooo 2019!

We are finally in the New Year!! Whoop whoop!

Although in my last, very depressing post, I mentioned that 2018 wasn’t a great year, I realised a lot of good and exciting things happened. For one, I got a little kitten, Willow, who is my pride and joy. I turned 18 (still a little bitter about it 😂 ) and my friends turned 18. I made really close new friends and formed new relationships!

And it all got me thinking about the exciting things to come in 2019! So, today I’m going to be listing some things I’m excited for in this new year.

Last Months at My School

I’ve been at my current secondary school for about seven years. That’s more than a third of my life. And now, I only have about six months left of being there. I’m not looking forward to leaving but I’m looking forward to the last moments with the people I grew up with and the place I call a second home.

Prom 2019

I am really really looking forward to my sixth form prom! It’ll probably be the last time my year comes together and I can’t wait for the parties after. 😂

Freedom in Summer

If any of you did GCSEs, you know the summer between the end of your actual GCSE exams and beginning of sixth form is like heaven. You can literally do anything without feeling guilt for not revising, etc, because there is nothing to revise for and absolutely no school work to do. It’s going to the be the same thing between the end of A Level exams and the beginning of University! Maybe not as heaven like because I have to prepare to go to Uni but still!

A Levels and Uni

Everything I’ve been working forward to since year seven will be coming to completion soon (fingers crossed though, I might still fail). I cannot wait to finish A Levels. It’s tiring and emotionally draining and yeah, I love my subjects, but I also need a damn break. I also can’t wait to go to University and study biochemistry!

Moving Out

I’m hopefully going to live in student accommodation while studying at University. Even if it is just for my first year (depends what one I get into). I can’t wait for the new experience of living with totally new and different people and the experience of struggling financially. 🙂 Most of all, I can’t wait for the freedom.

Keeping in Touch with Friends

Funnily enough, I’m looking forward to seeing what friends I actually stay in contact with. I know a few I definitely will still talk to but there are some, who I’m a bit sceptical about, and I’m interested in seeing how things pan out.

Climbing up the O2

For my 18th birthday, I was given a voucher/ticket to climb the O2 arena. I’m taking my best friend with me and I’m just really looking forward to almost dying. 😀

The 02 Arena

New Year Resolutions

I’m actually kind of excited about doing my new year resolutions. I barely did any of the ones I set last year because I overestimated the time I had but I made achievable ones this year, taking everything I’m doing this year and the time I have into consideration. So here they are:

  • Stretch daily (I want to be flexible)
  • Own a plant and look after it (apparently it helps your mental health…I didn’t read much into it 😂 )
  • Find a new hobby (a few years ago I was looking for a new hobby and decided to do dream journaling and I love it so I’m open to another new hobby I wouldn’t normally think of doing)
  • Learn a new skill (possibly an instrument…like piano cause I used to be able to play it)
  • Stay optimistic (wrote this for my 2017 resolutions and 2017 turned out to be the best year of my life)
  • Be more spontaneous and confident, don’t hesitate (I’m pretty spontaneous as it is but there are times where I remain in my comfort zone when I know I shouldn’t)

Looking forward to what 2019 holds! What did you do for New Year’s Eve?

ᴵ ᵍᵒᵗ ᵃᵖᵖˡᵉ ʲᵘᶦᶜᵉ ᵈʳᵘⁿᵏ


What 2018 Taught Me!

2018 hasn’t been the best year but I remain optimistic and continue to believe everything happens for a reason so with that, I want to dedicate this post, the last post of 2018 on my blog, about what I’ve learnt.


Over the course of this year, I’ve been experiencing weird symptoms. Years ago, typical and well known symptoms of depression I experienced included lethargy, eating a lot more and irregularly, loss of interest in hobbies, minor memory loss, etc. Although it was a horrible period in my life and I wouldn’t want to go through any of that again nor would I want anyone to go through any of that, it was more comforting to know that those were ‘normal’ and common for someone who is depressed. More comforting that what I experienced this year, anyway. There were two major new symptoms:

  1. Personality Crisis
  2. Depersonalisation

The personality crisis situation was the worst one. It began at the end of Spring/beginning of Summer. I started to feel not like myself and I didn’t even know what ‘myself’ was. I didn’t know how to respond or behave in situations because I didn’t know how I would respond. You know how actors have to try and put themselves in the shoes of their characters so they know how to behave like them – that’s how I felt. I felt like I was trying to put myself in the shoes of myself. It felt like I was getting to know a whole different person. What made it worse was people were catching onto this. I got called ‘dead’, which means boring. And boring is one of the top things I never want to be. I would literally prefer someone to call me ugly, annoying and dumb (tell me something I don’t know 😜 ) over boring so as you can imagine, it really hurt. But because other people started to notice my ‘new’ personality, I conformed to it. I kept asking people what they would describe me as, I even did personality quizzes to see what my personality was because I didn’t even know. That’s the extent it got to.

But I learnt that, like what straight adults say to bisexual teenagers, it’s just a phase. It goes away and you have to remain strong. Don’t give in to what people tell you, that’s the worst thing you can do. I learnt to ‘connect’ back with myself and stay in tune with my own emotions and thoughts not others. You might suffer with personality crisis more or less than I did but you have to remain strong and try to talk to someone and help yourself. YOU CAN GET THROUGH ANYTHING!


Depersonalisation is ‘a state in which one’s thoughts and feelings seem unreal or not to belong to oneself.’

Real life doesn’t feel real, basically. The first time I came across this term was when my cousin told me she had it. I had never heard of it before but it sounded unreal and crazy. She had it bad, too. I began experiencing mild doses of it every now and again, just for a minute. It felt like my mind was on a rocking boat on the ocean and reality wasn’t straight. My mind felt out of my head but surrounding my body and it felt like I was in a dream. I almost felt trapped and stuck. I was surprised that I was experiencing it since I never thought I would go through it when my cousin told me about it. I’m almost 100% sure I didn’t have the disorder, I just had experiences of depersonalisation. 

What made it worse is I lucid dream so sometimes real life would feel like I was just in a lucid dream. The small periods of time I would feel this way began to stretch into days and weeks. I’m pretty sure it’s positively correlational with the amount of stress I was experiencing because now that I’m not as stressed, I don’t feel out of my body or in a dream. I do have a really embarrassing story, that happened recently that links in with this but that’s for another day. 😄

This also linked in with the personality problems because, since I felt so out of it, I didn’t know how to respond to situations anymore.

Honestly, I don’t know what I learnt from experiencing depersonalisation (apart from what it is) but it made my year poop and also, it’s a good way to educate people about it since I had no idea what it was. And if you, yourself, are experiencing it, you’re not crazy or weird and you can get through it! Seek help, talk to someone, manage your stress, etc.


I learnt a lot about friendship over this year. In life, you make close friends and even though you love them, you may end up distancing. By all means, if you want to, reconnect and build back that bond. But…sometimes you’ve got to let it go. I don’t even like Frozen that much but that ice chic is a smart chic. Let it go. You may damage your relationship and mental health if you keep trying to reconnect. Let the past be in the past. Don’t cut them out, unless they’re a negative person, but just let nature do it’s thing. New friends will come along the way. Probably. 😄


In terms of school, be persistent. The amount of teachers, this year, who didn’t have as much hope in me as I would have wanted them to was heart breaking. I’ve talked about not conforming to what people say plenty of times and proving people wrong but it’s become such a problem. Believe in yourself and work hard! It’s fun when teachers realise you’re smarter than they thought. And don’t be afraid to be a little confrontational. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to apply to Universities I wanted, this year. 😂


There’s a lot of other little personal things I learnt, which aren’t lessons you can take away. I learnt on my duke of Edinburgh award expedition that I’m physically and mentally stronger that I thought. I learnt I have really high highs and really low lows ad there’s never really an in between. I’ve finally figured out my style – basically bright colours and quirky little things like rainbow holographic hoop earrings and colourful, pattern trousers. I also learnt my hair grows really freaking fast. This time last year I  had Lord Farquaad Dora The Explorer Edna Mode hair but now my hair is almost down to my elbow.


Most importantly, I’ve learnt to have faith in the Universe. I know, it sounds like some cheesy quote that should be stitched on a cushion in a gift shop but I’ve just learnt to let life happen and stop forcing and controlling things and situations so that others and I can be happy. It doesn’t really work that way. You might not believe in this but I genuinely believe everything happens for a reason.


Oh, and one last thing. I learnt to not go overboard on the new years resolutions – you’re not gonna complete them! 😬


I feel like this was a very deep and cheesy post but who cares!?

What did you learn this year?



She’s A Lady!


It was my eighteenth birthday yesterday. A day I wasn’t really looking forward to.


My helium balloon!

First of all, I had four tests (in the week) to prepare for, which is also the reason I’ve been MIA, and the stress of it all, although I don’t show it, was getting to me. However, that being said, I had the best day! Since it was a school day, I got a lot of ‘Happy Birthday’s and messages and birthday snapchat stories because that’s how our generation show love. And my friends made it such a great day.


But, as I promised from a previous post, I’m going to explain why I didn’t want to turn eighteen.

DISCLAIMER: I’m not saying any of the following is relatable and about all adults, I just felt like me, being eighteen, means I’m more prone to these things.


First of all, being an adult tends to be associated with maturity and responsibility. I, on the other hand, am a very weird, energetic person in real life. I do weird crazy things. Being an adult means I can no longer blame that behaviour on the fact I am a child. This is sad news. I still have the face of a twelve year old, though, so I might pass as a child.


Making friends is easier when you’re a child because you’re in school practically everyday. I still have another year in school but still! I have university either next year or the year after and although there will be people there to talk to, I feel like it might be harder to make friends. I am a social person and will take initiative in situations like that but it’s still daunting.


I used to get stuff for free. NOW I HAVE TO PAY. For example, I have to pay for eye care, dental care and probably a bunch of other stuff I don’t know about. That’s actually a little bit of a lie because I still get eye and dental care for free since I’m in full time education but my point is, being eighteen means I have to pay for stuff. My parents are making me pay for my phone bill. ☹ I do like to be in control, though, so maybe it’s a good thing.


I hate the idea of being grown up. I don’t want to grow up. This ties in with the acting weird point because I don’t want to be completely mature and ‘normal’. I also don’t want to worry constantly and get so involved in money issues.


I have to make big decisions and there’s not much leeway for my indecisive ways, right now. I can’t just change my mind tomorrow and decide I want to be an astronaut, like you can do when you’re a child. I know that it’s never too late to do what you want (unless you’re on the brink of death, then I’m so sorry) but the way society works and the school system works, I feel pressured to make sure my whole life plan starts now and isn’t a failure.


I can go to prison for a criminal offence. This one’s going to be really difficult for me. 😬

Despite all of the negativity that’s been most of this post (sorry), I wanted to add a little bit of positivity because on the majority of occasions, I try my hardest to look on the bright side of things. 😄

  • I can finally vote, which is important to me because I like to make my own decisions and have my say on things.
  • I can serve jury duty, which is always fun, amirite?!
  • I can get a tattoo. I actually want to get one of a semi colon!
  • Ya girl gets paid more! A whole two pounds more. 💸
  • I can make a will, which, again, is always fun!
  • I can buy fireworks.

The vegan Baileys ft. Willow, my cat

I can do a lot more important things but those are my top six.



Also, big announcement! I had my first legal alcoholic drink. It was dairy free almond milk Baileys. Dairy free because one of my best friends, who gave it to me, is vegan and is clearly respectful to the acne prone antichrist that is my skin. She also made me a vegan cake.


To end on a high note, eighteen isn’t that bad. AgE iS JuSt a NuMBeR…



Rants of Retail!

I have a part time job in a clothes shop, where my role changes throughout the day. This means I get to experience different aspects and areas of working in retail and although I am extremely grateful for having a job, especially since it’s not a hard job, there are still downfalls.

So today, I’m going to be ranting about those downfalls. 😀


The Customer Isn’t Always Right

Customer service is a huge part of working in retail and I’m generally a nice person, so I am nice to the customers and try to help as much as possible. But good lord, give me strength, sometimes there are people that I honestly think and choose to think have come from living in a cave, having been raised by wolves. It’s like they have no respect or care for other people. I completely understand you can be in a bad mood but it’s still wrong to be mean to someone, especially a worker trying to help you out.

I’ve gotten subtle racism, rude remarks about how I’m doing things wrong when I’m really not, ageism, harassment from older men, etc.  It can really mess up your day when you experience it.


The 5p Bane of the Universe Bag

In the UK, the charge for a plastic carrier bag is 5p. This is because it promotes and encourages people to not buy plastic bags and re-use their own or get a bag for life. It means that there will be less plastic bags littered on the streets and less plastic will be manufactured and broken down, adding to global warming. And I mean, it’s only 5p. You can find that on the walk to the shop.

However, if I got 5p for the amount of times I’ve been asked why they need to pay for it or have to stand behind the till, listening to customers complain about the charge, I wouldn’t even need a job. It gets old.

If you don’t want to get rid of your change, re-use a plastic bag or use the magic and power of your hands.

And then I have those cases where people will buy the tiniest thing like a keyring and ask for a bag. Seriously? XD Defeats the whole purpose of save the environment.


The Jokes

Sometimes, there isn’t a price tag on the clothes that someone is buying. This means I have to type in a code and usually, before I type it in, I tell them there’s no price tag so they know why I’m going to be tapping away at the keyboard. And sometimes, there are people who like to make overused jokes. I love conversing with customers but just skip the annoying jokes like the ever so funny, “Oh so I guess it’s free then haha.” This also happens when the barcode isn’t working.

I didn’t know I was serving Kevin Hart.


Waste of Timers

I often get customers come up to the till with a pile of clothes and I’ll start scanning them. Then they’ll ask what size the item they got is and say “oh…that might be too big.” And then they’ll decide they don’t want it. And that’s fine, you can change your mind but don’t. do. it. for. every. single. item.

And sometimes items are misplaced in the wrong sections. Some stands have signs on it saying £8. It actually says from £8, which means £8 and up. But nobody ever reads the ‘from’ bit so they’ll come up, thinking what they’ve got is whatever it said on the sign and not on the actual price tag and then get irritated at me when it’s a price higher.

Along the lines of wrong prices, sometimes people come up to the till, get me to scan and de-tag and bag everything and then realise the price is a whole £2 above what they thought the price was and yell at me. XD



Also, don’t come and tell me that a certain item you have your eye on is cheaper in another shop. If it’s cheaper in another shop, go there then.


Are You Gonna Pick That Up?

But seriously, are you?

The amount of times I’ve tidied something up and someone goes over to that particular stand and dropped a few things, turned the hangers around, managed to turn the clothes inside out and have the audacity to look me in the eye and do nothing is beyond me. Or let their kids run around knocking things to the floor.

I get that it’s my job and I have to clean it up but it’s not hard to just hang the one thing your just dropped. It’s like littering and saying it’s the street cleaner’s job to pick it up.


The Cherry On Top

Get ready for this because these are true stories. I have never been there on the days these have happened but I get told about it very quickly.


One piece of advice for you when clothes shopping is don’t get to comfy in the changing rooms.

People have pooped in there. For real.


This one man kept asking for the toilet and asked what he was gonna do since there isn’t a toilet. So he went in the changing room and I don’t think I need to explain anymore.

This other boy was trying on these suits. He was in the changing room for ages and my manager asked his brother why he was taking so long. Eventually, the boy came out, with poop in the suit trousers. He pooped in the suit trousers!!! I actually did come that day but not to work, just to shop.

There have been other cases and some with urine too. You’ve got to mix it up every now an again, of course.


Despite all these downfalls, I love my job and the people I work with and even the customers, because most of them are nice. I am very grateful for having it and the downfalls can be annoying but to be honest, they don’t actually bother me a lot. There are definitely more pros to cons but I thought the cons would be funny to rant about. I may post a pros post later on.


Do any of you have a job or have experienced the same things I have?



Meet Willow!

For a few days, me and my sister have been searching through ads online for kittens. It wasn’t that we knew, for sure, we were going to get one, we just wanted to look and raise our hopes of getting one. We ended up dragging my dad into the searching and he soon became intrigued. My mum refused to get involved, worried about the sofas and curtains and amount of money we would spend.


Willow in the Car

However, and I think you expected this, we saw an ad on Gumtree and we messaged the owner. Three hours later, we were on our drive to their house.

In the three hours before getting her, we contemplated between the names, Penny and Willow. I even sent a vote to my snapchat streaks, friends and cousins, because I couldn’t decide. The winner was Willow, which suited her more anyway.

She meowed in her carrier box on the journey back and let me tell you, this kitten has a loud meow. I had to take her out and hold her for the rest of the journey, as she stared out the window, to stop her meowing.


Willow’s a very shy and skittish cat but she’s also very hyper and clumsy. And obviously, she’s adorable!

Although she’s quite hyper, she’s very different to my old cat, Milly, who was quite confident, brave, friendly and crazy. I think her personality will develop more over time, though.


Sleeping Under the Chair

She loves sleeping under this chair, which can move out into this bed sort of thing when you press a button, so it’s kind of annoying because now we can’t use the button in case we squish her.

She also won’t do her business in the litter box, if we watch her. I think she gets embarrassed and she goes when we’re not around or she’ll pretend to do something else near by it until we leave.


I haven’t had a cat since 2012 so I cannot wait to experience all the ‘cat’ things like waking up to her taking up most of my bed space and the dead mice in our living room.


I hope you love Willow as much as I do! I might make more updates on her as time goes along!



More Crazy Things I Believed as a Child!

I previously made a post about the crazy, absurd things I believed when I was younger and since a lot of people enjoyed reading about how abnormal my head worked, I thought I’d make a part two!


How Babies Are Made

I used to think that if two people kiss for a long amount of time, there would be a high chance the female in the couple would become pregnant. I would always wonder when watching films, where people kissed, why they weren’t worried that they would make a baby. I was also scared to ever kiss anyone. I never got the birds and the bees talk. I ended up realising kissing didn’t cause a sperm to fertilise an egg, in year five sex ed lessons.


Car Lights

I think this is a common one but I used to think, because of my mum, that it was illegal to turn on the lights inside the car. Surprise, it isn’t! I’m not gonna lie, though, I used to flick it on and off just to scare my mum since I thought it was against the law. I was an edgy kid. 🤙🏽


Jeepers Creepers

One of the first horror films I ever watched was Jeeper Creepers. I watched it when I was about four to five. I have great parents. It didn’t traumatise me as much as you might think. I’m okay. I only go to therapy once a month now. 🙂

My guy, Jeeper Creepers

However, for a long long time, I was convinced one day Jeepers Creepers, this scarecrow moth demon thing, was going to get me and at one point, I had accepted it. I accepted my fate. Also, now I hate corn fields. Don’t watch the film, it’s actually really stupid.

I think I finally stopped being scared and watching my back constantly when going into dark areas at around eight. Again, it didn’t traumatise me as much as you might think.


Ants and Spiders

My mum once told me that if you left food out, ants and spiders and bugs would come along and surround the area. This is technically true but my little mind interpreted it wrong. I thought she meant by leaving food out, it would cause spiders and ants to just spawn in that exact spot.

One day, in reception, we were all sitting down after break or lunch. Someone had left some sort of food out on the floor and I whispered to the girl next to me about what my mum had said. The rest of that day, I was staring at the floor, waiting in fear for the ants and spiders to erupt from the ground. They never did. But who really knows…


Holding Your Breath

I thought that holding your breath would stop your lungs and heart working for a short time. So, I assumed when I held my breath, my pulse would stop too. I never checked the theory and went along with it as if it was legit factual information. It was also one of those things you never think about properly so for a long time, I just believed that holding your breath would also hold your heartbeat.


Spiderman Theme Tune

I never properly knew the Spiderman theme tune. There must have been a point where I did know it considering he’s always been my favourite Marvel superhero since I was about five or six (I used to pretend he followed me around and that he was my boyfriend –  don’t judge). Over the years, I have always sung the theme tune differently and for a while, this is the one I’ve stuck to:

Spiderman, Spiderman

Does whatever a Spiderman does

Is he too cool for school?

No he’s not cause he’s an alpaca

Watch out, Spidey’s coming for you!


It seems abooout right…



Babybel is this brand of snack cheese. It’s basically circular cheese encased in this red waxy rubber covering. And everyone brought them in their pack lunches in primary school. So one day, when me and mum went food shopping, I begged her to get babybel cheese because I wanted to bring it to school to basically fit in. Screw being unique! That’s not how you make friends in primary school! My mum told me that I wouldn’t like  it and then she went on to say that it was disgusting and it really put me off it. I would see loads of my friends eating it and I would just sit there thinking, Shay, it’s gross and it doesn’t even look like real cheese. It’s not your loss for not having it, it’s really a gain. I talk to myself a lot

That’s the reason I’ve never even licked one of the babybel cheese snacks. I still continue to think its gross. Maybe I’ll put it on my bucket list to eat one, along with participating in an orgy. I’m just kidding! 😂 I would never eat babybel cheese.


Those are some more stupid things my dumb head believed when I was little (and maybe when I got older too… 😅)

Please share any silly things you believed! It’ll help my self esteem. 😊