This is a different post! I wanted to get your opinion on my writing style. The following are just two small extracts of something I wrote. I know it’s bad (I haven’t edited it that much) and out of context, for you, but try to look past that and instead, criticise the way that I write. 😂 I’m open to opinions, don’t be afraid to hurt my feelings. I’m literally begging you to insult (or compliment 😏) my writing. Would you read a book that had this writing style? Is it difficult to read? What’s something that you would change about it? Etc, etc…
Here we go…
There were faint murmurings and flinched faces before the explosive bang.
In Lili’s perspective – earphones plugged in, nonchalant about the bang snaps and hyena shrieking infant minded boys.
The autumn leaves crunched under the smooth wheels of Lili’s bike. The wind whistled through her hair, sun spotlights beating against her rich caramel skin. That’s how Lili wanted to picture it anyway. Instead, her squeaky bike meandered through the cliques and milling students, their faces as dismal as the God forsaken misty morning. Although, it was hard to really see what was going on from her oversized beanie, fringing over her eyes. It looked like the finishing result of a bored grandma with a knitting kit, watching the Discovery Channel on pandas. It didn’t help that Lili’s hand made regular disappearances into her pocket and slid back out with a handful of fruit loops, which only made her bike wobble more. She, however, wasn’t the least bit bothered by it.
Nonetheless, that one face, always that one face, was stormy and electrified enough to show they were bothered by it. Riah – the human menstrual cramp. With a chalky, exasperated face, she darted Lili a murderous look as she cruised on her bike towards her. With her everchanging My Little Pony hair and, today, a dark ‘Team Guy Who Almost Hit Bella With A Car’ T-shirt, Lili could easily spot her and her uninviting expression.
“Look where you’re going, Pisslord!” Her raspy voice blurted out.
“Woah. Who ate your bowl of sunshine this morning, Riri?” Lili smiled, anxiously, swerving around Riah.
“Call me that again and I’ll shove a cactus down your throat.”
Lili’s nervous twinkle were now clenched teeth, her eyes grown and twitching. She pedalled, with all the power she could rake up, down the path as far from the girl, glancing back every now and again in precaution of what seemed like inevitable death. “I love high school.”
Wandering down the school paths on campus, with a regain of tranquillity – as close as you could get to it in high school – it was normal for Lili to disregard the hanging Converses on the trees and the tie dye kids strumming strings and singing Kumbaya. Even the differences that created big divisions between groups didn’t bother her anymore. Everyone seemed to be in clusters: from the cheerleaders, who were flashing much more than just bright pom-poms, to the I’m-Not-Your-Ordinary-Teenager outcasts, who never fit into anything. It didn’t even dawn on her how there were still people crying over not having the Charizard Pokémon card yet also people on the second trimester of their unwanted pregnancies.
What did linger in her mind, though, was whether there would be any spaces on the cycle stands left for her.
And this extract…
One minute she was just a white lab coat and curiosity.
The next, she was plunged into regret, pleading for her life. Scintillating spots of colour blinked in her blurred vision like out of focus fairy lights, as her neck jerked side to side. Crowd to crowd. Phone flashes streaked through the late-night darkness. She could see flushed faces yet fiery eyes. Eyes fixed on her. More white showing than usual.
There were several metres between her and the circling congregation like it was a wall of safety. Or segregation. She felt the world caving in on her; the buildings, the traffic lights, the streetlamps, the stars, edging their way closer and closer to her.
The icy air spiked at her chalked cheeks and fingers, but nothing was more merciless than the excruciating crushing in her head. Her palms struck against her temples, eyes fastened shut. “Help me.” The words whistled with the biting breeze. “Help.” She bearded more force this time as the words caught in her dry throat. But it wasn’t enough. They heard, but they didn’t listen.
Staggering forward, the wide road rumbled as if there were a beast awakening underground. Ready to break free. A series of screams wailed out whilst people stumbled back, but it was still all muffled and fuzzy to her. Reality felt like a whirl of flickering lights and murmuring noise. Questions darted back and forth in her mind, racing. Nothing was slow enough to pin down, nothing made sense as her mind twirled into knots and tangles. That’s when she heard the alarmed bellow.
“Hold your fire.”
It was in that moment she felt grounded to Earth. Red and blue engulfed her, and she could sense guns all aimed in her direction. Despite the uniformed man, stretching one arm out while the other told her to stay still, all her pupils could fixate on was somebody else. Him. He was the centre of her tunnel vision, lingering within the ignorance and crave of everybody else. They hooked gaze, the amber streetlights glinting in their vanquished eyes. Sorry.
What do you think?