I AM DISGUSTING.
I want to announce that. With trumpets and a red carpet rolling out onto the ground for me to walk on, to a stage and to shout that I am disgusting. You know why?
Every month, this red fluid oozes out of my kitty cat meow meow. Just oozes out me like nobody’s business and it’s like Saw 3 all up in the shower. It’s like that scene from Carrie.
And I shit. And so do you. We all shit. The Queen shits. The Kardashians shit. We’re like shitholes.
And pee too. We piss all over the place like dogs and men. I mean…really, we pee in swimming pools. You’ve probably downed a litre of pee.
And speaking of liquids beginning with S, I once sprayed my dentist with spit. It just sprayed out my mouth, I couldn’t help it. Just happened. (TBH she deserved it.)
And again about sweat, we sweat like pigs. I don’t even know how much pigs sweat, I’m assuming a lot because of the saying ‘sweating like a pig’ but boy, it could probably cure the world’s drought epidemic.
Oh god and we burp. It’s like our thing. Lions roar, dogs bark, elephants trumpet. And us? We belch out trapped air like a demonic mating call.
Plus, I get acne. We get acne.
And our fingers poke and prod at these inflamed, explosive bombs. I’ve seen things I can’t unsee.
And here’s the cherry on top.
Wait for it…
Hold on… just wait for it.
Women. Fart. Too.
No…really. We do.
We’re disgusting. Human beings are disgusting. We’re flatulence, liquid leaking, crazy machines.
But who cares?